I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
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I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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