The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
