hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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