That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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