how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
