I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.