i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?