I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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