my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
