Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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