Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
