Who did Billy Mays play for?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
