This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
