i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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