So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
