because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
