if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
