I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
