maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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