The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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