Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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