Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
