after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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