I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
