Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
