why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
