just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
