I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
