Life is so much better after having sex.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
