hotel room ftw
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
