I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
