Life is so much better after having sex.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
