Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
