Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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