Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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