Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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