So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You made out with two different species that night
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
