guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
