Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
tell me about the eggs
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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