got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
