The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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