I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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