I accidentally had phone sex last night
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
