I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
