I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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