i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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