What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
