Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
