You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
