i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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