This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
