sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
