the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
