I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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