why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
