Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
