im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
