I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.