He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again