I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.