so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance