He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
