So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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