Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
