He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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