I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He passed out mid-signature
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
