we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
